grrrrr- email from dickhead about son's bad grades

[alatariel]

My Son #1 is failing 7th grade.  Since the school sends copies of the report cards to each parent, I got this email today from dickhead:

I have [son's] report card and every grade but one has fallen, some drastically.  If you do not have the time to check his homework each night then I can help.
I think his social and recreational life need to be put on hold until he can show third quarter improvment in each course.  That means to me anyway grounding until we see next quarters grades.  What do you think.

Well, gee, thanx so freaking much for your input.  But, really, I think you've helped enough.  You've helped teach him that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do, you've taught him to lie and use ppl, you've helped him believe he's entitled and that he should blame everyone else for his failings, and you've helped him learn that going behind ppl's backs is the correct way to react when you're caught.

"If you don't have the time to check his homework each night then I can help"?????????!!!!!!?!?!?!?!!??!?!     YOU are the dickhead who didn't even want to SEE your kids for THREE WEEKS, then sees them for less than 24 hours when you finally want them over???  YOU are the one who has always taken great delight in going behind my back to contravene every single punishment I've ever doled out for bad or irresponsible behavior!!!!!!!

Oh, but now he suddenly cares?  What, is this making him look bad somehow?  Does he have a girlfriend, and did she see the report card and comment on it?

I'm just so angry and frustrated and upset and disgusted that I could burst a blood vessel.

[Chime]

breathe breathe breathe
maybe take off some steam on the bike 
unless your blood pressure is too high
then maybe you should soak in the tub 

'cause obviously you have some homework to do!
like right now! 
sheesh!

This one is particularly familiar to me
Never there except to give some criticism after the fact
Like it wasn't enough for you and your son to be going through this situation just for what it was.  Never mind any of the other hardships you're both dealing with because of the troll, and the job search AND HIM!
How is he planning to save the day exactly?
pay for tutors? 
Take the poor kid's life away - perfect!
Is your son really modelling after him?
Gosh I hope not

Chime

[alatariel]

The only good result here is that dickhead will ground Son #1 at his house this weekend, so the punishment will stick at least that long.  Son is figuring he's only in trouble here at home, and he just has to wait till he goes to dad's to do whatever he wants all weekend.  He's going to be a very unhappy boy to find out dad is punishing him for once.

[Chime]

can he stick to it?


Chime

[pearlsb4swine]

OMG--alaterial, you have my sympathy.  If you don't have time.....what a jerk. 

Maybe you should agree--gee, dickhead,what a swell idea.  Tell you what, why don't you stop by every night and supervise homework?  That's when I like to hit the bars.    And as long as you're here, you can make dinner, wash the dishes and throw in some wash too.   


Does anyone ever do well in the seventh grade?  Neither of my kids did.  Middle school is a nightmare.  I remember my daughter's school psychologist telling us that being a seventh grade girl is, in and of itself, a psychiatric diagnosis.  The only thing worse is being the mother of said student.

[JennyWren]

Typical ****ing N response. Grades are not up to his expectations. SO....does he ask why? Does he show concern for the lad`s feelings? Does he want to know the reaction of his son? Does he want to work WITH his son on this?

Big Fat NO...because all he is interested in is quoting a magnificent grade average.

So he gets out his N sledge hammer and uses threats to make someone get better grades. And blames you for not checking his work. Which he undoubtedly would do himself. Ha ha.

Well...I suppose he has to keep putting in the hours to live up to his name. Dickhead.

[Imogene]

Yes, well, this is all YOUR fault, alatariel.  You are there for your son, after all.  The parent who's never there and doesn't give a sh!t can't possibly be responsible.

What a dick.  You know he only cares because it's humiliating to him that your son got bad grades.  Where was he BEFORE the failing grades.

GrrrrRRRR.  Dick, dick, dick. 

[Rosemary]

Prick he is ,my nh never helped with schoolwork either academic or creative  ,didnt even go to school parents evenings i did all this on my own .
when it came to the glory of graduation he was there, boozing, and causing embaressment to them though .
also taking all the glory of his son doing teacher training .makes you sick alatariel   
no wonder the kids dont want to know him ,i sps yours will be the same when they grow up too .

[Julia]

Middle school is a nightmare.  I remember my daughter's school psychologist telling us that being a seventh grade girl is, in and of itself, a psychiatric diagnosis.  The only thing worse is being the mother of said student.

True, True!! My middle D is in 7th grade, holy Heck!. The middle school years were the worst for my oldest D as well. Well, so far.... she's only 14.

Alaterial, you are the good mom, he is just posing as a dad. Do whatever you think will work with your son. For my D, that would be talking about the grades and asking why they were down, was it too hard, were there a lot of missing assignments. Try to focus on any positives and see if he will propose a solution. There is no way, IMO, that you can ground a 7th grader for 2-3 months and have anything good come of it.

Julia

[MoreMyself]

Alaterial, my sons are grown and flown, but I remember the problems with the youngest all too well.  He just drifted through school.  But I learned that holding a stick over him or even the alternative of offering a carrot never worked.  If there was a solution to motivate them at that age, someone would get richer than Bill Gates selling it.  I certainly don't know what it is.

Seems that you have two issues.  The first is your son, and as I said, that's a really hard one.  How to get someone whose brain is not yet developed enough to grasp it, to understand that decisions he makes as in failing his school year are going to impact on him down the road.  And he will regret it.  Because unless he can see that he is harming his future self, its a real battle.  I had a neighbour whose son was in the same grade as my oldest.  This neighbour was determined her son would be academically gifted and even wrote his assignments for him.  I know because my son was his friend for a while and couldn't believe the grades the boy got until he found out his 'secret'.  It wasn't homework, it was mommywork.  She continued throughout high school.  Then he got into university and after that it was a slippery slope.  Because not only had he not done the basic work himself but he didn't understand that the concept of standing on your own two feet.  I used to tell my sons that while I was always glad to be their consultant, I was never going to do the work for them or even force them.  I kept reinforcing that concept of harming your future through the things you do or don't do today.  Some of it seeped in, perhaps 10%.

Turns out my oldest, who I worried about because he was shocking at maths, had a sharp legal mind and doesn't need algebra.  Turns out my youngest, the dreamer and drifter, is gifted musically and has signed with a record company and is releasing his first album next year.  So they do find their own paths, fingers crossed.  And I would have been happy if either had just been gifted auto mechanics and were happy at it.  So I guess my message is not to worry too much and don't add extra stress to his teenage years because it won't be good for either of you.

The second problem is your ex and laying the problem at your feet, as in why aren't you MAKING him do well at school.   You can react and refute, which is probably what he wants.  Or you can capitulate, as in agree that you can't seem to motivate him or fix the problem and tell his father he should talk to the teacher, the counsellor at school, etc.  Put the burden of fixing the problem on him.  I always found with the Hobbit that if I let him win the little arguments and think I was agreeing I could save my major firepower for the big issues. And I would put money on it that Dad won't last more than a couple of weeks at this homework helping stuff.

[RB22]

If he wants to comment... he can be part of the solution...

I would send him an email... cutting and pasting his statement about him helping with homework.. and tell him to come between  4-6 each school day.

I am willing to bet he never shows.....

And I agree.... you son needs to do his own work.  When X got involved... the kids sat back and let daddy do it.  When the kids did their own work...they actually got better grades than X.

Hugs, it isn't easy ....

RB

[alatariel]

You're kidding, right?  I do NOT want dickhead at my house even for the week he'd last at supervising the homework.

Well, at least I know for this one weekend, dickhead won't let Son so whatever he wants.  And maybe having dad actually punish him will get through Son's hormone-addled skull.  Son will be grounded for a couple of weeks, at least, and if assignments get done, I'll re-evaluate that.  And Son has also lost his computer/video game privileges for a while.

I'm going to point out to Son that he WILL be failing 7th grade and he WILL be repeating it, and how humiliating it WILL be, especially when all his peers know him as one of the smart kids.

I did really poorly in 7th grade, for the same reasons as Son: not doing the assignments.  My dad punished me harshly, and what was worse, humiliated me by insisting that I have weekly reports signed by each teacher.  Yes, my grades improved b/c I was terrified of what else would happen.  Dad would have sent me off to boarding school.

ETA What galls me most about this is dickhead's implication that I'm either not home or too busy to take proper care of the kids.  Really?  The last time I actually went out in the evening was a month ago.  Ya' know, HE is the one that doesn't answer his phone if the kids try to call him on a weeknight...  I go to all the parent conferences; all the plays, band concerts, sporting events and practices; drive them to friends' houses; host sleepovers; plan b'day parties; take family trips; play board/card games; go see movies; stay up all night and take time off work when they're sick; go to all Dr. appts; cancel or rearrange my plans if things change and the kids are home b/c dickhead doesn't want them; take them shopping for clothes and school supplies...  Yeah.  I'm a neglectful parent. 

[alatariel]

Here's how much dickhead's "offer to help" was worth:

I got an email today that he won't be picking the kids up till tomorrow. 

Now, he has been picking them up Fri. afternoons since, oh, maybe last spring, say around April or May.  But suddenly he's "too busy".  Hmmmm, he's awfully "busy" for a man who doesn't work, doesn't have any friends that I know of, doesn't volunteer for anything, and doesn't have a girlfriend as far as I know.

Anyways, you see how much he "cares" and "wants to help" Son with his homework and help bring his grades up.  I'm so glad I don't have to depend on that piece of shite to help with the kids, or babysit them, or be home to care for them. 

He's probably working under the table for a friend he has worked for before.  I wish I could prove it, I'd turn him in to the unemployment/disability ppl in a heartbeat.

[RB22]

Alatariel,

I said it tongue in cheek, He would come to your house and tutor your son .. like mine would... when hell freezes over.

But I would make the offer, because I know he wouldn't show... because he is too busy with whatever he does when he avoids his kids.

Hoping your son learns his lesson..... and does the work to get himself out of 7th grade.

For the life of me.. ..I don't know why kids do this to themselves...

Hugs,

RB

[alatariel]

RB, the reason I reacted like that to your suggestion, is that I know that piece of crap all too well, he'd see my "asking for help" as a chance to stomp around like a king in MY HOUSE and lord his superior parenting skills over me, and be all up in my business.  It would only last a week or so, then he'd resume his "too busy" life, but my teeth would all be broken off from grinding them during that week. 

[RB22]

Mine will NOT set foot in my house... I have a guard cat... and X is deathly allergic to cats... .  Cat is declawed, neutured, on the large size (12-15lbs) of lovin', and an all around scardy cat.  But as long as he is in my house... X won't dare come visiting.

Otherwise he would be like your X... stomping around and marking his territory....