now that we've interpreted "I love you", let's tackle "I miss you"

[alatariel]

So, what does an N mean when they say, "I miss you"?

Coming from the troll, I interpret it to mean, "Damnit!  Where else am I going to find a useful, unpaid servant and scapegoat? I spent 3 years training you, how dare you walk away!"

[Never again]

Coming from el bastardo it meant ..

  Boo hoo! I got thrown off the playground for being a bully and now I'm all alone! 

[tango3]

My new supply is not adequate, I need some topping up from you, you've had years of practice.

[Imogene]

"I need something."

[JennyWren]

BigBird`s "I miss you" refrain meant "WILL YOU SHUT UP TALKING AND LET ME COME BACK NOW!!!"

[CZBZ]

What does the N mean when he or she says, "I miss you!"??

Well, maybe they mean, "I miss how YOU made me feel."

"I miss the way I felt with you because your replacement isn't panning out to be as reliable as you were."

"I miss the idea of you. Can you stop being so real now?"

The enmeshing narcissist is feeling lonely and thinks, "I miss you so that must mean that you are missing me."

The narcissist might also be saying after an extended absence from you, "Have you been punished enough to know your place now?" Intermittent Reinforcement is a great tool for predators to use against their prey. 


CZ
 

[Julia]

Similar to  "I love you", I never once heard XN utter the words "I miss (ed) you". There were times when perhaps it was implied, and I was supposed to make that leap and imagine that he was saying it and all that should go along with that. All the times that he called and wanted to have 1.5 hr long conversations about how terrible and weak he was feeling, during the D and D and for years after come to mind.

What he really meant? -" I do not have anything going on right now, this minute,  and I need attention for as long as I can get it, or at least until OW gets back from wherever she has gone.  I need to imagine that I have a plan B, even though I do not plan to use it."

 XN was always, always big on Plan B ( as if he knew Plan A wouldn't be able to last). So he made sure to work two jobs, (unusual for doctors, btw), hoping that each would excuse his lapses and to have a fallback job if he got fired - and he did get fired- and found a second job again a year later, but not because he needed the hours.  When he called to ask if he could move back into my basement two years after he left, he was surprised when I asked what his GF said about that (he was living with her). He had obviously forgotten about her, forgotten that normal people might have had some sort of conversation with GF at least some aspect of what he was thinking, or that normal people would have an emotional response to a question like that. It was clear that she is just as much a pawn in his life as I was, IOW. And it was also clear that I was Plan B, he didn't even pretend to miss me, or want to try again, my basement was the plan B that he didn't intend to use.

Julia

[Chime]

good lord - there's more dog training!
how did this dog trainer get so badly clicker trained and not notice?
he only clicked for "no" and left me dancing and twirling in all kinds of offered behaviours to try to get a "yes"   
only to be left there, dangling

blechhhggh
Chime schlumping into her chair again

AND PS - I missed you meant "I was hungry"

[Legs]

I don't recall Lucifer ever saying he missed me, but he did say i a whining, three year old way that the house seemed "too big" when I was gone. It was too big. 4500 square feet of 40 year old house that was a bipch to keep clean. Not that he ever did it. I would cook and freeze meals for him so he could eat while I was gone. I'd get back to a sinkfull of dirty dishes even though we HAD a dishwasher.

I think he missed me during his online porn sessions because there was no reason to sneak around and get it past me when I wasn't there.

Legs

[CZBZ]

"I think he missed me during his online porn sessions because there was no reason to sneak around and get it past me when I wasn't there. " ~Legs

LOL!! O yes...absolutely! A narcissist is never happier than when he or she is "pulling the wool over your eyes" and getting away with it. It makes them feel so powerful. I am slowly catching on to this game. As Imogene's thread about The Pleasant Narcissist suggests: when they're nice, you can be sure they've got ahold of something they can use against you (or have used against you already and you don't know it.)

I have to add this last bit because I blogged recently about one of my sisters who isn't moving through her fifties very gracefully. In fact, she's acting like a five-year-old and it may be permanent. Who knows? Is it a midlife crisis, or is it a narcissistic disorder? Not even her hair-dresser knows for sure.  Anyway, she called because of course she hadn't heard from me this past month. But I was on to her game and knew she had gotten me back behind my back.

I think she expected me to be GRATEFUL she'd called me on the phone. To be relieved our dispute is over. To leap at the chance to reconcile. to be as idealistic and hopeful as I've been for years.  If she really and truly missed me, she'd get therapy and call me later, after about six months of intensive treatment when she was 'safe' for kind people to be around.

Actually, now that I think about it---she never ever said "she missed me". Maybe we need to watch for that, too? They make a phone call and we ASSUME they've missed us and that's what prompted the phone call?


CZ
 

[MoreMyself]

What Julia said.  The Hobbit never used the phrase to apply to people.  Perhaps if pressed he would say something like "Of course I missed you and the boys" or "I missed being at home" after he had been travelling, but it never sounded sincere, sort of like his "You know I love you", it sounded irritable.  He did miss his physical comforts.  My cooking and sex mostly. 

After he moved out into an inner city bachelor pad, he dropped by to pick something up.  He asked me how I was sleeping.  He fooled me for a nanosecond because I thought perhaps he really cared and was going to say that he missed not sleeping in the same bed with me after 30 years together.  I said I was sleeping okay.  He screwed up his face and said he wasn't sleeping well, his apartment was too noisy and the mattress too uncomfortable.  He pointed out that I had kept the comfortable mattress.  So that is what he really missed.  His creature comforts.

I don't think a person without empathy can ever bond with another person deeply enough to miss them.  I think they just feel some vague, unidentifiable and perhaps sad feelings but can't actually pin them down to what is causing them.  Something is gone from their lives and it must be their comfortable mattress. 

[alatariel]

From dickhead, "I miss you" meant, "I want the person who makes my life easy to come back and make it all work for me again".

CZ, you're right in that he really, truly enjoyed drinking behind my back and getting away with it, and he especially relished carrying on whatever secret life he was living right before I left.  He was so satisfied with himself to think he'd fooled his stupid wife again.

I think she expected me to be GRATEFUL she'd called me on the phone. To be relieved our dispute is over. To leap at the chance to reconcile. to be as idealistic and hopeful as I've been for years.  If she really and truly missed me, she'd get therapy and call me later, after about six months of intensive treatment when she was 'safe' for kind people to be around.

I think this is behind troll's repeated attempts to contact me, too.  I jumped at the chance to reconcile the first time she d&d'd me, why wouldn't I do it every time?  N's like to repeat things that worked before, I think she loved the power that gave her, which is why she had repeated fights with me.

[JennyWren]

I do now recall BigBird saying "I miss you" rather a lot.

He very rarely went anywhere if he could help it. He was very much glued to me. But when he couldn`t squirm out of travelling abroad...he would call ALL THE TIME and constantly say how he missed me. But it was not something that felt nice to hear...because he would "miss me" thirty seconds after he left. It felt very needy and clingy and suffocating. I wanted to say "HOW can you possibly miss me? You only just left."

I think for once this was not a clever use of an emotive word for effect. I am sure he did use it that way sometimes. It was more an expression of his fear of being away. His need to be in his home.

BigBird went to an archetypal Brit snotty boarding school when he was 13 and he hated it. He began to suffer from anxiety attacks. He cried and really didn`t settle at all. Any normal parent would stop such torture. But NMiL liked the idea of "Posh" school....since she came from a poor family and enjoyed rubbing their noses in the fact she had pots of cash married to a talented and intelligent man.

So I think that is at least partly the origin of BigBird`s difficulty being away from home. I think he was afraid.

So he would call me and fish for support and reassurance. In evenings he would spend hour after hour on the phone telling me everything everybody had said. He would describe his room. He would tell me what he had for dinner. It was so engulfing.

[CZBZ]

"I think this is behind troll's repeated attempts to contact me, too.  I jumped at the chance to reconcile the first time she d&d'd me, why wouldn't I do it every time?  N's like to repeat things that worked before, I think she loved the power that gave her, which is why she had repeated fights with me."~Alaterial

Well, I sincerely WISH my sister would miss me as much as I miss her. I do! If she missed me that much, she'd do whatever it took to stop acting like a freak because it is freakish to behave like a six-year-old in a 55-year-old body. If you love the narcissistic person and really want a relationship with them (once they're safe), maybe it's good to let them MISS you? I think that I've been way-too-easy on my sister's tempter tantrums, always ready to leap into her arms when she's deigned to speak with me. I have got to be a little colder, a little bolder, now that I'm older.

ha!

Seriously, though. When I 'miss' someone, I review the reason for our separation and and do my very best to spot, fix and cure whatever it was the caused the problem in the first place. But taht is probably because I really do MISS that person, sincerely. I can't replace a sister with a shiny object...or a man with a new lawnmower. I bond to people as individuals and no single individual I've ever met could be replaced by another. My mistake is that I assume everyone attaches as deeply as myself.

I used to think there was something really wrong with me, especially when my husbaNd left as ruthlessly as he did. Then I realized that yes, maybe it hurts my heart when people can't love me back in the same way. Or miss me in the same way. BUT, I think when all the suffering and pain is done, that I'd rather love and lose than never love at all.

Or however that cliche goes!!

Hugs,
CZ

[alatariel]

I have a friend who was my mentor in college, but she leads a very busy life and we haven't had a chance to connect in the last few years except through email.  But when I heard that she needed help, I jumped at the chance to reconnect with her and help out.

THAT is what missing someone means to me, like you, CZ, I "do my very best to spot, fix and cure whatever it was the caused the problem in the first place."

I don't think an N can actually "miss" anyone, b/c to miss someone, you have to recognize and value them as a person, not just as a means to an end.

[overwhelmed]

While together, if he said it, it meant, "i think im supposed to say this, as seen on tv and because I'm such a great actor, I say this while whoever I'm picking up tonight remains to be seen."

If he says it now it means, "i know you're dumb enough to believe this and I hate you for having to perform such a show in order to lure you back in."


Nothing more.

[nutella]

    "I miss you" is often a platitude or flirtation depending on the context.    Male ovations are rarely covert in long term relationships.  This has been my experience and observations. 

  "I miss you, " is something that could be said after a few dates or personal encounters.  It is also something said to a dear friend or children.  It is a "safe" expression.  I like to make sense of things by what they are not.   "I miss you, " is not:

I love you
I am sorry
Can we work this out?
Please don't leave me
I can't wait to see you again, when i return
I really want to see, feel, share, talk, with YOU

   I miss you is an invitation. It's safe.  It is not intimate, IMO


   

[Legs]

<< Male ovations are rarely covert in long term relationships.>>

What does that mean? I'm serious. I really don't understand. Where ya been, Nutt? I was afraid you were hijacked by the subway/train people or something...


legs

[Imogene]

Oh, I disagree with that, Nutt.  You don't have to love someone to miss them, but you do have to value them.  So when it is heartfelt, "I miss you" is really an homage to another person, an expression of their worth. 

[Freezer Burned]

I got the urge to drone on about myself for hours, and noticed that you weren't here, so I thought I'd give you a call.

[JennyWren]

I got the urge to drone on about myself for hours, and noticed that you weren't here, so I thought I'd give you a call.

Oh that`s priceless!  That`s the N dictionary definition of "I miss you". Droning on is clearly not nearly as much fun unless you have somebody looking attentively at you....or on the end of a phone....as they glaze slowly over...and start mentally  planning tomorrow`s`s grocery shopping.

[alatariel]

Thank you, Freezer Burned! 

[Chime]

Nutella - you need to post more often!
we've been missing you 

Chime

[alatariel]

I found this iNterpretation of some lines we've all heard...

[CZBZ]

I think I heard every single one of those lines! But since we'd been married so dang long, it made no sense to me at all. I was a very hard woman to get rid of. ha!!!!

Very funny, alateriel....thanks!


p.s. I promise y'all that at some point, you WILL laugh at your insistence, persistence and resistance to letting go of someone who is just not that into you.  

CZ