help me control the anxiety about something I can't control

[alatariel]

I got thinking about the reasons I withdrew my application for a job, part of it was that troll's close, lifelong friend works for the organization I was applying to, and I was worried that troll could somehow ruin it if I got the job, by saying the wrong things to the wrong ppl. 

And then I got thinking how she is a master of that, saying terrible things in an innocent way, so that the ppl hearing it never realize what she's doing, they only hear her words and believe her.  And if she is caught, she just bats her eyelashes and puts on the little-wounded-girl act and they believe her.  Hades, I believed her for so long!  Even after I began to suspect what she really was, I wanted to buy the act.

And now I'm all anxiety-ridden over what she is probably saying about me behind my back.  Now, please understand that I realize I'm not important enough to her for her to talk about in the ordinary scheme of things.  I realize that I've disappeared off her radar.  But if I cross her path socially or professionally, I'm sure she'd take the opportunity to strike out at me somehow.  And it makes me shudder to think what she'll say about me, b/c she knows pretty much all my secrets and can put such a negative spin on them.

And I know damn good and well who will be believed when it comes down to it, and it won't be me, the outsider.  It will be her, the person who was born and raised here and never left, and has family and social connections stemming back generations.  It will be so easy for everyone to believe whatever rumors she wants to spread about me, b/c ppl love juicy stories, especially about outsiders.  If she wants to tell ppl I'm a lazy, filthy, gay, devil-worshipping, crazy-cat-lady who likes internet porn and totally controls her kids' lives; ppl would eat that up, especially since there's a tiny bit of truth in it:

1. my house is messy.  not filthy, but comfortably messy.
2. I haven't been able to find a job, which can be construed as being lazy and unwilling to work
3. I'm probably bisexual, though I've never had any relations with a woman
4. I'm Pagan
5. Yes, I have 8 cats
6. I had an ongoing "relationship" online, but we never even exchanged sexy emails, and it ended when he found a real-life girlfriend
7. sometimes my kids aren't allowed to do things or go places, but it's for a reason, not b/c I control them

So now I'm ready to freak out, knowing the rumors she could easily spread, and that there's no way to defend myself.

[Imogene]

I hear you.  I am right with you in this, although my shame takes different forms.

It is shame that motivates this kind of fear and paranoia.  We're not comfortable enough about ourselves to be ourselves and realize that our faults are just that, faults like everybody has.  Embrace the messy pagan bisexual cat lady inside you!  Yeah, I know.  Or at least add that you are honest, hard working, motivated to change the things you don't like about yourself, kind, caring, a good mother, sensitive, and funny.  Hell, you were plenty good enough for troll--and she still wants you back.  Remember that.  And no, you can't control what anyone else says about you OR what anyone else thinks.  But I suspect that we would be less susceptible to this kind of anxiety if we felt better about ourselves, right?  And we can control that. 

[alatariel]

Yeah.

But even worse, perhaps, is when ppl hear HER side of the "relationship" story.  In her POV, (and I'm basing this off emails she sent over the years) she tried to be kind to a lonely, socially-inept and mentally/emotionally screwed-up geek, by introducing me to her friends and allowing me to be part of her family events.  But I took advantage of the fact that she was feeling lonely and vulnerable after her husband left, and I tried repeatedly to force her into a relationship with me.  I was too needy, I expected her or her teenagers to watch my freaking kids all the time, I was always at her house whether she invited me or not, I called her and expected her to waste time on the phone with me at all hours...  And she felt like she had to lie and sneak around to spend time with her other friends b/c I was so jealous of them.  Every time she gently asked me to back off, I threw a hissy fit and stopped talking to her, but I always came back begging her to be my friend.

Finally, she'd had enough, and told me flat-out that she wasn't interested in having some weird, creepy gay relationship with me, and if I couldn't understand that, she was through putting up with my bullspit.  So here we are.  She really regrets having to be so harsh with me, but hey, I probably have Asperger's or some other form of autism, and I'm definitely screwed up in some way, so she's better off w/o all my problems in her life.

[Never again]

Dear Alatariel, I hate that you feel so badly about personal characteristics that are perfectly acceptable!!  I can tell you I'm also "guilty" of most of those or similar (or "worse"  ).

Which of those things about you causes damage to other people (or animals)? At the end of the day, that's all that counts in my book. The rest is your own business.

And the troll can go stuff herself. She really gets my goat everytime you write about her.

[Freezer Burned]

You have 8 cats and your house ISNT filthy?? CONGRATULATIONS!!!

[RB22]

Alatariel,

I am lazy, I am a slob, I am a controlling biatch of a mother, which is why my kids have run away to college as soon as they could.  I am a grand theft felon...and a perjuror.  NW mades sure everyone knows about me. 

All of it is based in truth... about 10% of it. But it can be misconstrued.... and she does misconstrue it out of gigantic proportions.   

I have found several ways to deal with this....first... If I meet someone and (I figure out)  that they also know NW... I make comments that I am a messy person, How proud of my college kids... I am...etc. I don't explain everything.... but I do make them aware that I am NORMAL ... and anything they hear from NW they can say to themselves... RB said that.. this is nothing new.   And if they are smart..(and most will have an awakening at some point) they will realize that NW is talking to THEM about ME... who is she talking to about THEM? 

I learned early on with these nutbunnies was to reveal my so called 'secrets'  in order to take the wind from their sails.  It quite literally - gave her no power to hurt me by using me against myself.

Hope this helps....

Hugs,

RB

[RB22]

Another way to diffuse a potential situation.." Well you know how Troll is, she loves to talk".... and leave it at that. 

If they know her... and from your description they do.... they will get it and understand your dilemma.  You might be hired Because you aren't her friend anymore...

Hugs,

RB

[Rosemary]

alatariel dont worry about something thats not even happened yet , worry when it does then deal with it .
your not stupid ,your an intelligent person well qualified ,its the economy thats letting people down on the job searching  not because you are lazy .
Im pagan ,and my house is messy too,your just normal its her whos  crackers .Iknow you will dealwith her  if you need to  ,dont let her get you down and stop worrying get on that bike  and take your anger out on the saddle       

[alatariel]

The ppl whose opinions actually matter to me at the moment, know the truth.  They know I'm not perfect, but they saw some of the emotional abuse, and certainly observed her taking advantage of my good nature every chance she got.  They understand why I had to draw the line and cut her out of my life.

But, the unfortunate truth is that she has a ton of business contacts in this area, and as I said, the wrong word in the wrong ear could do irreparable damage to my reputation and chances of success in any job.  I've wondered a lot whether she had anything to do with me not getting a couple of jobs with ppl she knows, even though we were "friends" at the time.  If they asked her for a reference, she could say something seemingly innocent like, "Well, you know, I've always been impressed that Al doesn't let being a single mom stand in her way when she's working, it's terrible that she doesn't have more help with her kids..."  On the surface those are the words of a concerned friend, but they'd make the hair stand up on the back of the hiring manager's neck, thinking that a single mom with no backup will be calling in sick every week and wanting all kinds of time off.

[Dandelion]

1. my house is messy.  not filthy, but comfortably messy.
2. I haven't been able to find a job, which can be construed as being lazy and unwilling to work
3. I'm probably bisexual, though I've never had any relations with a woman
4. I'm Pagan
5. Yes, I have 8 cats
6. I had an ongoing "relationship" online, but we never even exchanged sexy emails, and it ended when he found a real-life girlfriend
7. sometimes my kids aren't allowed to do things or go places, but it's for a reason, not b/c I control them

1. Mine as well. I have no ambitions getting my home featured in "Fancy Living", it should be my den where I feel safe and at home. Screw it. And I do not clean for visitors - instead I hope to inspire people to be themselves. I never make my bed - why should I? I have to use it again in 16 hours!

2. Yes. Me too. Well, I AM lazy and proud of it. What's fun about being a busy little bee? I like lazy. I'd wear a t-shirt saying "Hey, I'm lazy and if you have a problem with that, it's not my problem"

3. I believe we are born bisexual. Out culture and upbringing makes us choose. But that's just my take on sex. Boobs are beautiful. But I would miss a penis so much if I was a lesbian 

4. Oh the shame. I am agnostic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agnosticism which completely removes my responsibility to take a stand. You're welcome to adapt my position. Let him who has understanding reckon that anyone can believe exactly what they want as long as 1. It makes them happy and 2. They don't try and shove it down my throat

5. I would have 8 yorkies if I could. Love'em to death. So we're the funny cat/yorkie ladies - so what?

6. Oh, I had a relationship with a Dutch guy who unfortunately thought it was meant to be and drove up here to meet me even though I told him not to. I felt really sorry for him. Bite life in the thigh sister - we don't know how long we're here for or where we're going afterwards!

7. Don't have kids, so can't back you up on that one. Guess most parents are controlling, so it's natural. Better that than not caring!

Hugs
Mette

[Rosemary]

I know what you mean i was once looked over when i was after a job and had a 2yr old  ,id already set up  baby sitting too with an older woman at my own house .I was well qualified for the job and they had even showed me around the studio etc .then they asked if i had any kids  ,i dont think it should matter really do you ? and the  interview changed straight away .I could have lied ,but thats not my style .

[alatariel]

I'm trying very hard right now to build a reputation for being ,"really reliable, and a very useful engine", just like Thomas the Tank Engine. 

[Rosemary]

If you keep trying al somethings sure to change  for you    

[pearlsb4swine]

Shame based anxiety.  I know this one well. 

Sometimes it helps me to remember that If I can figure out the truth about someone, that other people probably have too.  There probably are people in your town who can't stand the troll.  Who routinely discount what she says.  You would have no way of knowing, because people thought you were her friend.  They're not going to complain about her to you.

I also remember all the bad things I have heard people say about others.  Mostly I let things go in one ear and out the other.  I decide how I feel about people based mostly on what I see myself, not what other people say.  People talk about other people all the time.  Most people pay way more attention to what they see themselves than what others say.  How you treat someone today is way more important to them than what someone said about you last week.  Even if someone has heard something unflattering about me, it's one piece of information. 

I tell myself that no one thinks about me as much as I think about me anyway.  They are all busy thinking about  themselves.

I think about bad things I have heard about people that I love.  Do I still love them?  Yep. 

I tell myself not to compare my insides to other people's outsides.

I tell myself that for other people, I'm just part of the scenery, and that's a good thing.

Hope this helps. 

pearls

[overwhelmed]

You know alerti (i always forget how to spell your screen name), here's one thing I can promise you, you're nothing she says. I happen to adore you here. I haven't ever thought "needy" in anything from you. Next, who isn't needy or left feeling needy, when involved in any capacity with an n as they suck you dry? Also, look closely at her distorted tale she shares, its as close as you'll ever get to the truth regarding her admitting who she is. 

Furthermore, did you read the link legs posted in a thread of mine. I think reading that right now would calm you. To share, I feel that empty when I think of all the things egg says about me.  I don't think its because I feel bad about myself. I think its like in the article I just mentioned. Plus this....the crap he says is gross by my values and standards. It's shameful and its not true. Why shouldn't, when I let myself think I'd it in a way that attaches reality to it, it feel bad? I think its damn near appropriate and ok in those times. I snap out of it but, heck....the times it gets me is I'm thinking of it as if that's really true to him. And then, people he cries it too. Until I remember, nothing is true to him. Anyone else? Well, it hurts and is shameful but that's not my shame. It's his. Doesn't always help.  He tells I'm crazy, I've had 4 abortions against his wishes and kept getting pregnant, I'm a pathological liar, I never cleaned or cooked and it goes on and on. None of its true....I'm a clean freak, almost unhealthy over it. He however, I've never even witnessed hang up his own suit. 4 abortions?  Never had one, don't know how he did? I'm not crazy, I'm fairly sane. Him? Well you know.......see? I decided that anyone who believes a word he says about me, he did me a huge favor....even though sometimes, favors cause anxiety or pain....its nonetheless a favor indeed. My days of associating with people who turn their head to bs are over.....he's weeding out people for me and I don't have to use a single thought to do so.

Do not allow trolls words or behavior to become your emotion. When you accidently do because you're human....put her under the bridge, where she belongs as soon as you can. I'm putting her there right now for you....what she tells people is childish and evil, but what do you expect from her mouth? Nothing less. Speak up if and when you care to and say one thing, "none of that is close to true." And don't even address it. That one sentence followed with nothing shows you're nothing she says while not feeding the troll.

[alatariel]

It's that crisis we all deal with, if we have to start thinking about ppl in entirely new ways, we start to wonder what ppl really think about us.  A couple weeks ago, I reconnected with someone that knew dickhead and I while we were still together. I worked with her when I was in Grad school, and at the time I left him, dickhead worked for another dept. in her building.  Anyways, she filled me in on the stories dickhead was spreading about me around the college, to ppl who knew me.  Fortunately, nobody believed it b/c it was obviously total shite, but I never knew he had done that.

Not long after that, I found out troll's friend knows someone I just met and wanted to work with...  and then troll tries to contact me... And now dickhead implies that I'm not doing my job as a mom...

N's!!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Yeah.  I'm questioning everything I thought I knew again, everything I thought I had learned in the last 6 months, and whether 42 really is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.

[Legs]

Yanno, something I finally realized about lucifer is that he would accuse me of things that, I found out later, either he did/had done or his girlfriends did/had done.

He stole money and hid it, he accused me. He had affairs, I had affairs. He tried to rationalize everything he did by saying *I* had done it first. Or he denied it all even in the face of hard evidence. Someone wrote porno to 18 different women, it must have been me. I was home all day and didn't do any housework or anything except screw around with other men and maybe women and concoct elaborate ruses to make him look like he'd done something inappropriate. *I* was sooooooooooooooo smart, I somehow knew about one of his secret bank accounts and wrote checks to a woman I had never even known about. And somehow this woman cashed them.


How weird!!!!!!!!!!!


I had a therapist for almost three years after I had attempted couples "therapy" with lucifer and his deranged pick of a counselor..he wasn't even a marriage counselor..he was a failed, alcoholic ex-priest who'd had to leave the profession because he knocked up some woman.

aNYWAY, MY POINT THERE is that My therapist (mid 60's) told me that in he long years of practice, she had never had an NPD as a patient. She said she had actually only ever weven see two of what she woujld diagnose as having that disorder, and they were a parent of one of her young patients.

She said they do not come in for counseling because they think any problems they encounter are all due to someone elses bad behaviour. THEY don't HAVE anything wrong with them.



It sucks, but that's how it is apparently


Legs

[MoreMyself]

Your intelligence, sensitivity and honesty comes through every post.  Messy house?  I cleaned my fridge yesterday for the first time in about 2 years.  Several jars of pickles at the back were going through some kind of metamorphosis and the carrots - I'm not even going to go there.  (Reminds me of a true story, woman phoned the Natural Museum here and said she had a snake in her fridge.  They sent somebody.  It was a long dried up shrivelled carrot.)

Seriously, every single one of us has traits which others consider flaws but I like to think of as having quirks.  Like having lots of cats.  I have several hundred bromeliads (plants).  How does that make me different from you?  The only real difference is I make them stay outdoors.

Mostly I want to say forget about what other people say and think.  Their thoughts are powerless.  And if they do convince someone else of their version of reality, who needs such weak people in their lives? 

I found a nice little quote that puts it in perspective: " I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
― Augusten Burroughs

[daisyk9292]

I hear you.  I am right with you in this, although my shame takes different forms.

It is shame that motivates this kind of fear and paranoia.  We're not comfortable enough about ourselves to be ourselves and realize that our faults are just that, faults like everybody has.  Embrace the messy pagan bisexual cat lady inside you!  Yeah, I know.  Or at least add that you are honest, hard working, motivated to change the things you don't like about yourself, kind, caring, a good mother, sensitive, and funny.  Hell, you were plenty good enough for troll--and she still wants you back.  Remember that.  And no, you can't control what anyone else says about you OR what anyone else thinks.  But I suspect that we would be less susceptible to this kind of anxiety if we felt better about ourselves, right?  And we can control that.

Yep, what imogene said.

I didn't know you were Pagan. I thought you were Wiccan. Are they kind of the same thing, like lutheran and catholic? lol

Oh well, doesn't matter, you're still lovable. 

P.S. - My 9 year old daughter mentioned to me the other day, there are dolls at a local toy store called, "Meanies" you can buy one that looks like a person who is mean to you and stick a needle in it to hurt their arm or leg! 

WTF?!?!?!?

[alatariel]

I'm an Eclectic Solitary Neo-Pagan Unitarian Universalist Agnostic, to be precise.     I just kind of take bits and pieces of philosophies that I can agree with and muddle them together.  I can't follow any single path at the moment b/c I can't buy ALL of their system wholeheartedly w/o questioning something about it.  I can't really convince myself that Magick works, except on a personal level.  I do believe I can change my point of view by means of a "spell" or ritual, but I see it as more of a way to focus my thoughts and energies than anything Magickal.

It's not something I admit to many ppl, unless I know for a fact they're a "live and let live" sort of person.

[Rosemary]

Daisy i WANT  a meanie doll what fun i could have with that  mwaaaahhhh !!!       

yes alatariel, i too am a solitary eclectic  Pagan ,i follow my own path just using the bits i find  good that work for me .

my daughter is the same too . sometimes helps when your feeling low , to just light a candle ,or my Nagchampa incense ., thats a favourite with me .

[daisyk9292]

Ya know Rosemary, I just had a fantasy about one of the N's actually getting a sharp shooting pain down their leg or arm and thinking to themselves

"Oh WOW, so and so made a voodoo doll of me! How great is that? I hurt them so much and they HATE me so much they had to make a voodoo doll of ME, because that's how important and powerful  am! Hehehe!" "Hey I'll bet nobody else here has ever had a voodoo doll made of them!!!" "I am so flippin special!"



 

[Rosemary]

Thats sooo funny daisy made me laff out loud        

[daisyk9292]

Have to love the laughter on this board!

I actually heard a man state recently :"People either love me or hate me, but are rarely indifferent towards me" it was a father at my daughters school!

I wanted to point and yell out loud RUN IT'S A NARC!!!! HAHAHA!

like in that movie with the space pods that took over peoples bodies? I can't remember the name, getting old!

[Dandelion]

Dear Ala

You wrote: "And I know damn good and well who will be believed when it comes down to it, and it won't be me, the outsider.  It will be her, the person who was born and raised here and never left, and has family and social connections stemming back generations."

Well, to me it sounds like you were protecting yourself when you turned down that job. Nothing wrong with that?

If you feel you are too weak right now to stand her lying about you or spilling your secrets, then by all means - please take care of yourself and turn down the job. It is the wise thing to do!

On a sidenote - what other people say about you can only hurt you if you believe them. Please believe that you are lovable and caring person and if someone thinks you're not, then it's their problem for not seeing who you really are!